I just can’t breathe! I just can’t breathe, and you hear your elderly grandmother who has been married for more than 40 years advise you to “bekezela” (have perseverance) because this is a working recipe that worked for many women in their times for a successful marriage or relationship but how many women have really died from the same that word. “bekezela” might have worked for others but has it really working for you or you are re-applying for your death certificate as you suffocate daily in your relationship and you are just moving in the same circle without no solutions.
Have you ever felt like at any stage in your relationship or marriage where you just feel like you have suffocated enough and it’s never going to end. A phase where you feel like somebody can just pull you out of this lion’s den because you have been trying to resurface but the more strength you use, the deeper and deeper it gets, and it gets harder for you to save yourself and to be saved for that matter rather.
Your heart and logic are screaming for you to try even harder and get out sooner and alive, if possible, but your subconscious is holding you back. How many times have you really reach out to someone or rather few friends and family regarding your situation but it seem like the more advises and support you get from loved ones, of course their advice make sense at that particular moment of pain and misery but once “Boo” starts apologizing, manipulating themselves back slowly and surely you sometimes think that they indeed are ready to change to become better, acknowledge and verify their mistakes but you slowly starts to soften up to the idea and slowly let them back in your heart and life.
In this replica stage of your relationship, you have already opened your arms to welcome “Boo’’ back, they have crawled into your inner depth mind and touched buttons that only “Boo” can touch, cords and strands only “Boo” can play. The same Friends and families that were your support structures and advisors, with constant encouragement, constant phone calls and prayers have now become advocates of devils and intruders that don’t wish well you well for your marriage or relationship. Haibooo kanjani…. (Hand claps). Until one day the sunsets again and its starts to be darker and colder in your relationship and you wish now you can call your friends and family again for a shoulder to cry on because you realized that this circle of this situation is never going to end and instead you are suffocating more and deeper until you can’t breathe again, back to the same lion’s den and trying to pull out of this huge deep water.
Till when you will suffer the same consistent emotional, physical, mental, or financial drainage? Till when they will keep on cheating on you with different people and apologizing for the same mistakes and same actions time against time. Yes, you constantly communicate with them in detail every time you find out about their mess up but when will these disappointments stop? You probably have involved pastors, friend, elderly community people, family and maybe therapist but this issue is not changing.
Unfortunately, with all the advises and support you can get from friends, family and loved ones at the end of the day you suffer the most and your pain shovels deeper each time you realize that the circle is repeating and it’s never going to end. Will they really change? Will the situation get better? Is this the future you anticipate your whole life with this person.?
What is your your limit? How far will go until you reach a level where you will preach that enough is enough? Are you really fed up or are you so used to the pain that your emotional being is immune to every situation that literally drains you. Yes, it’s not easy and it’s not that simple to up and leave what has become so comfortable to you for so long, which is family and warmth of having a partner in your home but you need to understand that you have people that need you more than the suffering you are going through currently, there is a purpose for your life and its definitely not being someone else partner and dying whether its physically or emotionally in their hands.
You need to sit in your quiet corner, alone and have conversation with inner self and power, without no emotions so that you can plan your life ahead, If indeed you have reach your threshold and your plan involves a smooth exit strategy. if indeed getting out alive and being free is indeed your goal. Strategically means that “Boo” holds the key to your subconsciousness and if you can surpass their inner level mindset and now live in the real realm and not the “love bubble’’ you can make it out alive and free. Forget about people when they say you are a failure in your marriage or relationship, remember the main goal is getting out alive and if you have kids, protect kids in this relationship, mess which you and your partner contributed to the kid’s life.
Here is some tips you can utilize when you are ready to leave or exit such relationships that leave you submerged in any form of relationship drainage whether is emotional, physical or mentally .
- Seek legal advice from the Police and lawyers involve them from the onset of your exit strategy and engage psychological advice from relevant organisation and departments, especially if you have kids involved the relationship. Don’t shy away remember that we don’t care about what people’s opinions are at this stage. This legal advice can set a base on your exit strategy plan on how it can unfold, weather you are married with kids, customarily married, in vat ’n sit or just in a relationship with/without no assets and financial attachments to your relationship.
- You need to practice detaching emotionally while being with this person or living with this person (emotions can mess up and hold you back) when you want to exit the relationship. um sure you are wondering how you can detach emotionally from a person whilst being with them, while in a marriage or in a relationship with them, of course its not a one glove fits all strategy but here are some few tips you can follow. Remember the aim is to leave and not to stay and build.
- You stop investing in the relationship, in this case investments that people offer in their relationships differs to each couple. if your investment was money, time, or maybe showing up always for them. you stop investing and always fail them because action speaks louder than words but instead starting investing in yourself.
- You start becoming emotionally unavailable for their needs, when they tell you their challenges, you sympathise with them, but you don’t bring solutions to the table, remember feeling sorry for your partner can be a trap to remain in the relationship. So, you just listen but you are not part of the implementation of the solution. Eventually they will start to observe the changes and they will start to get worried, but you would be far ahead with their manipulation games that you always endure from them.
- Make the same family and friends aware of your strategy so that they can be your cheerleaders once more although others would have given up on you by this time, but other people are still opening and willing to assist.
- Remember if you combine the above advises, you are already mastering your exit plan but the most important pointer in this exit strategy plan is to do everything in secrecy. Always remember that once it stops being a relationship, its now a game and it’s a matter of who plays the game better and wins.
Love strongly but love yourself greater than the name and sunset date on your tombstone.
Share your story about your relationship phase where you had to persevere ”bekezela” until you saw that the circle is ongoing and would not end. What tips can you give another person in a similar situation?
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